I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
