He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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