I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
