A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
