I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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