woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
