Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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