Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
