I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
