VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
