My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
