I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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