I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
