Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Never joke about your clitoris.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
