i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did i walk over a car last night?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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