did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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