He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
