But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
