Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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