Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You are the jesus of drinking
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i black out too much to be "responsible"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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