Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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