I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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