My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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