I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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