Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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