Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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