I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
