tell your sister to shave her snatch
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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