you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
