I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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