as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
