I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
