hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
