dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
