why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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