when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
