I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
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The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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