Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
