After last night, I could never be a politician.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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