Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
