nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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