And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
