im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
