I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
