can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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