they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
