is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
