I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
