when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
