You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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