i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
