he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
