Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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