Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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