dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
